Damary's Feelings....

Damary here: wife of Corey…..just needed to get some stuff off my chest….

I never realized how common having a miscarriage was, until it happened to me and so many people reached out to share their story.

So I am having some trouble with “moving on” part people are suppose to do after something bad happens.

I do not know if it is because I am putting too much pressure on myself and feel I should be a certain way and I am not there, not even close.

It has been about a month since I had the miscarriage and I am still as sad (actually I think sadder) as I was when I found out it was happening. I still find myself crying at the most random moments, especially when I am alone. And worst of all I keep having the worst dreams.

I fear that I am damaged and will not be able to have a third child. Than I just feel guilty and like an idiot for saying or thinking that, because I have been blessed with two successful pregnancies and daughters. There are people out there who will never have that…

I did not know how much I really wanted to have another baby with the man I love until I learned I was pregnant. I was so happy that I could not wait to tell everyone. I did not even wait to tell the girls and they were thrilled, starting talking about what they wanted to name the baby and how they wanted to play with the baby.

Now every once in a while, they ask me if the baby is back in my belly or is the baby still in heaven and my heart just breaks all over again.

This is so hard and I wonder if it is harder because of the fact I was told I was not pregnant, to than be told I am, to than be told I miscarried while I was hoping I wouldn’t.

Than to add to all of the saddness comes the problems that followed due to missing work, missing assignments at school and the medical bills showing up in the mail now…

How am I supposed to move on and begin to heal if I am still dealing with this all…

I just needed to vent….and I do want to say that my heart goes out to all the women and families who have lost a child at any point…it’s not easy!

Thank you for reading and for all the support,
Damary
http://www.facebook.com/home.php?#!/damary.queen
ivoryluna3@aol.com

Comments

  1. Jen ParidoOctober 15, 2010 at 3:04 PM

    I just want to say how sorry I am for your loss, probably not what you want or need to hear. I do want to offer up that it takes an incredible woman to state how she "really" feels instead of just pretending that everything is okay. I could not imagine what you all have gone through as a family and what you are going through as a mother, but just remember people out there that you don't even know will be sending up prayers for you and your family tonight.

    ReplyDelete
  2. UnknownOctober 18, 2010 at 2:11 PM

    I am so so sorry for your loss. Please do not think your parenting journey is over though! Besides the two beautiful girls you two have, there is still the chance to have more. I'm not a doctor (don't even play one on TV) and as I've never tried to have children I can't imagine the hurt you're feeling. However, I know my parents had a miscarriage before me and another after me...and I'm the oldest of 3 children.

    Always here for you and Corey,
    Gabriella

    ReplyDelete
  3. m_marieOctober 26, 2010 at 10:34 PM

    I cannot say that i know how you feel... because i have never had a child or miscarried a child. I can say however that i am sorry for your loss and you and your family are in my prayers. Thankfully you have a husband who loves you and supports you and it looks like your family will be stronger through this... even through the hurt.

    take care!

    ReplyDelete
  4. MelanieNovember 15, 2010 at 8:13 PM

    I had a miscarriage between my two girls. it was probably the most difficult thing i have ever had to experience. my miscarriage was over labor day of 2000. i still mourn the loss, 10 years later. but i have hope that this baby that i never got to hold is waiting for me in heaven, in all her (or his) perfection. one day, i will get to hold this baby, but in the meantime, she is being cared by my savior....and that gives me comfort. i am praying for all of you and i hope you find some comfort soon. don't be pressured to "move on" before you are ready. we all grieve differently, and you have a right to be sad. keep praying, and leaning on those closest to you. in time, you will be able to function normally again...but you will never "move on". you will always remember the baby that you didn't get to hold, but i pray that in the future, that memory will hold one of hope for things to come and not sadness over what cannot be.

    God bless you and your family.

    melanie

    ReplyDelete

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