Why I am so positive...aka Matthew 11:28

“Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.” – Matthew 11:28

I first heard the scripture (that I remember) on a commercial that used to play during wrestling when I was a child (every commercial break). That scripture gave me hope. It let me know that all of the crap I was going through, in my childhood, that at some point I would see God and he would take it all away and I would get to rest. Yeah, I wasn’t your typical kid…somehow I could balance the knowledge of all of the kryptonites and their affect on Superman, and carry this thought process around at the same time. Not healthy, I must say…

I am not here to complain or even talk about things that happened to me, or stuff I went through…that is not my point, not do I want to waste anyone’s time with that, but fast forward to March of 1992. I felt like I wasn’t worthy of God’s love, and that I was a waste of space, and I was tired of 20 years of pain and hurting. I decided (when I say decide, I mean meticulously planned since that previous Christmas) that I couldn’t wait anymore for that rest that God would take away my heavy-laden heart.

So on that morning when I had calculated everyone at school would be home for Spring Break, and everyone I knew at home would just think I had stayed at school, I laid out my clothes, no note would be necessary (in some weird viewpoint, I thought of a suicide note as vain, and just a way for the person to get the last word. Never said I was thinking straight.) and I took my four bottles of sleeping pills. I then went to take a shower, and I, to this day, remember the feeling of them starting to kick in, as I was getting out of the shower. I knew, from researching (meticulous) I had about 30-45 minutes before I couldn’t move and would drift away.

So I went back to my dorm room. I got dressed and turned on the radio and laid down. I said prayers, and “prepared” myself to leave this world.

Then a knock and the door opened (at my college, we had push-button combo locks on the dorm room. No need for a key) and it was my girlfriend at the time. She should have been gone to Disney World with some friends, but she had come by to say Bye. After a few minutes, it was obvious what I had done (I tried to fake a conversation, but at that point sitting up was a chore). She called a friend of ours (I am leaving names out of this, because I am still friends with this ex now, and I am blessed to have her as a friend), and they took me to the ER. Funny story…they got lost and couldn’t remember where the hospital was….I TOLD THEM, only because I thought we were going to McDonald’s and I mentioned how if you made this turn you would end up at the hospital 

Anyway, I was at the ER and they pumped my stomach (NOT A FUN EXPERIENCE) and only got two pills, meaning the rest was already in my system. So I went to sleep. Anyway, I remember being woken up by the person in the room next to me flat lining, and I looked and saw the nurses scrambling and even remember what time it was and what song was on. I said a prayer for that person, and went back to sleep.

I woke up and the hospital psychiatrist was there and she was a very nice lady. The point of this buildup is, I remember two immediate things about when I woke up: 1) I had a sense of calm I had NEVER had. A overwhelming sense of no matter what happens, I can handle it, and God will make sure, in the long run, it will be okay; and 2) While the psychiatrist asked me what I remembered, I told her about the person in the room next to me that I heard flat lined, and I hoped they were okay. I also told her every detail and how I went back to sleep. She turned ghost white, which freaked me out (yeah, at that point I am freaking out lol). She told me that the person who flat lined was me, and that they lost me for a few seconds.

I have always wondered why I came back/brought back. I mean, nothing about my life’s circumstances had changed, just me and my mindset! I can say I always felt like it wasn’t my time to go because I wasn’t finished. I had more to do. So I have tried to treat my life in that manner.

I say all of this because when I stop and think about it I see that I am married, I have daughters. Things I used to fantasize about when I was a kid. Thinking no one would ever love me unconditionally or want my unconditional love in return. Thinking no one would even find me cute enough to want to marry. I realize every morning when I am getting Damary and the girls up why He brought me back, why I have always felt like I wasn’t finished.

When I wake up, and I am brushing my teeth, I have the same first coherent thoughts: “Wow, Thank you God for giving me another day with Damary, Ayanna and Annabelle.” And I say “Corey Queen is a Husband. Corey Queen is a Father. Corey Queen is a Runner.” I say these statements in my head, not because I am bragging, but because it is a quick reminder of how powerful God’s Grace is and how far it has brought me.

So when you read my daily quotes on Facebook or Twitter and you ask why I am so positive, and how I keep it. It is very simple. When I have bad days, or things look rough and that there is no end to what I am going through, I remember that I am blessed to even GET to have this hard time. When I feel like I can’t take another step when I am running, I remember how I am blessed to have that moment, because it isn’t promised to me.

I see the better side of things because isn’t that the point of life? To see the horizon and to do the right things to get there? I mean isn’t that the reason we become parents? To see our children grow up and be better than we were, or is that just how I see it? No matter what rough time Damary and I are going through, like the miscarriage, the fact that I am blessed to be going through a hard time WITH her gave me strength to know we would heal (still working on that part). Aren’t all of the lonely times I had as a kid, enough to keep driving me when it feels like Ayanna and Annabelle want the last bit of energy I have, because I don’t want them to have that same feeling?

I hope, in reading this, no one feels sorry for me…quite the opposite actually. I hope it helps uplift you and if you are going through a hard time (at some point, aren’t we all?) try and remember this and know you just have to have faith in the storm and ride it out. This is part of the reason I picked the nickname, Illuminati Runner. I want to help shine light to anyone that needs it. Even if you never say anything to me, but one of my daily quotes changes your heart, I’m good with that. God Bless You, and May U Live 2 See The Dawn.

-BECAUSE The Wheels Haven’t Fallen Off
-Corey “The Illuminati Runner”

Comments

  1. Thank you for sharing this with us Corey! It's such a blessing that I got to meet you through DM! You are a truly amazing person.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Wow, thanks for sharing this. Very inspirational; a very personal experience to offer. I like the verse from Matthew that you incorporated.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Wow. So, you saw yourself? Did you see anything else? Just curious.
    Your life is a blessing to many. Keep on illuminating.
    Mel

    ReplyDelete

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