My Partner, My Anxiety


My Partner My Anxiety

Let’s have a frank and honest discussion about my anxiety. I am on the blood pressure medications, not because of the top number in my BP readings (the systolic), which usually is a factor of things like activity and food; but because of the bottom number (the diastolic), which is your heart at rest. Which due to being an adult survivor of child abuse, my heart doesn’t understand being in a safe place, so it always runs as if my flight or fight mechanism has to ALWAYS be ready.

I bring this up, because I want to describe how every morning is for me, as soon as I open my eyes. I feel like I have been given a blank piece of 8 ½ x 11 paper. As soon as I wake up, I must write out the declaration of independence, the Quran, the Old Testament, the bylaws of my college fraternity and every single example of abuse that happened to me on this paper, by heart, word for word. If I mess one thing up, then I am a worthless husband to my wife and father to our amazing children. THIS is what it feels like for me every single day.

I feel white-knuckled every in everything that I do, because if I screw it up, then I mess up my marriage, and I mess up my children. ALL of whom deserve better than me, anyway. I don’t have a lot of friends or people that want to hang out with me, because my assumption is that they have better people to hang out with.

This is a peak into my anxiety. He’s a symbiotic passenger in my brain, who most of the time is in control, except for a scant, few seconds in the day.

-Corey

Comments

  1. Melissa CunninghamJuly 18, 2018 at 4:20 PM

    thank you for your transparency on this subject. I'm sure many abuse survivors feel like you do, but are to afraid to open themselves up- because to open up shows vulnerability, and vulnerability can be seen as a sign of weakness or failure---and feelings of failure simply escalate the anxiety... most abuse survivors are really good at building walls around themselves, shutting others out in order to feel safe..... you Corey, seem to be breaking down your walls and showing your human side, which is OK!!! I garuntee that you have helped more people than you know just by simply sharing your journey.....

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

I'm Fired Up!!!

So I will not mention names, nor will I apologize for what I am going to say or who it offends (I’m in my “house”, front door is ALWAYS open to come in, or leave)…but as my alarm went off…ok I will stop lying, I was up ten minutes before it went off, a barrage of thoughts ran through my head like the montage part of every episode of “Phineas & Ferb” I am weeks away from wrapping up my first year as a runner. What an amazing lunar cycle it has been for me. At first I started running because I wanted, no again being honest, NEEDED to lose weight and lower my blood pressure (go to any of the blog entries from a year ago, in case you don’t know, and you’ll see why). And there is no greater calorie burner than running (as long as you are willing to push yourself, compare an hour of any exercise, and running is most effective). Turns out, along the way, I discovered Me. Weight loss isn’t, and hasn’t been, on my radar in a while. I am not sure the last time I stepped on a scale. I just kn...
Read more

Kentucky Derby Marathon Write-Up

So surprisingly, I slept through the night, Friday night. When the alarm went off, Saturday morning, I felt very rested and ready….Ready because I was on the verge of fulfilling a dream, and had put in the training. I grabbed my Superman shirt which I had the girls put there handprints in paint on, my Mile Dedication List that a dear friend of mine had made for me, my Power Balance Band, my Garmin, and put those one, and finished getting dressed. Damary and I knew that her and the girls weren’t going to be able to see me start, it was easier if they dropped me off, then she would go home with the girls (Lord knows they would have MORE than enough time to have a normal day before coming back to see me finish). As we pulled up and Damary was pinning my number on, one of my Daily Mile and Facebook friends, Wendy Bell, yells, “Hey Superman!” and introduced herself to me and Damary, which was nice to immediately see a friendly face. I then made my way, with all of the other runners to the S...
Read more

Where I've Been The Past Week....

Hello Everyone, Some of you may have noticed and some of you may not have, but I haven't been online, whether here, Facebook, Twitter, or Daily Mile (I have spent some time on Google+, I must admit). And that was by design...I needed some time to think to myself. Last week I happened to look at the palm of my hands and notice quite a number of dark brown spots on my palm. I know my hands and knew that these were new. Which I was suddenly seized with an uncomfortable feeling: The Unknown. I emailed Damary, who helped me find a dermatologist and I called and they booked me for a week later (today), which if anyone who has been a new patient knows being seen this soon is both a blessing and usually a sign of urgency by the Doctor's office. Now mind you, a couple of weeks prior, I had started feeling crummy. So much so, I had told Damary if I kept feeling this way, I was willingly calling the doc to set up an appointment. So I went in today, having made the mistake of searching sym...
Read more