This is where I should be typing something cute....I got nothing


Ok, I’m giving my self the rest of the day to complain/be negative. And this is the easiest, quickest way to get it out of my system.

So since this whole high diastolic blood pressure number which no one can REALLY explain why my heart, at rest, is working so hard; another side condition has happened. I started seeing a small pinhole blind spot in my vision (if I am looking straight ahead, it is upper right side), and a curve flash of light on my left side (like half of a parenthesis). And it is only in my left eye, and it is constantly moving with the normal movement of my eye. It has been driving me nuts (more annoying than anything). So last appointment, my PCP set me up with an appointment at the Eye Care Institute to go and have them check me out.

So that was yesterday, and I fully expected to go in and they poke and prod around my eyes and then tell me this is some temporary condition that will heal itself….or here are some drops, use these for a week, and you’ll be fine. Of course that isn’t how it went down.

So I have a Posterior Vitreous Detachment (the link is to what it fully means), that they are pretty sure will turn into a Retinal Detachment. So I go back to them in 2 months to see how far along the detachment is, and what happens next (basically which type of procedure I will go with). Until then, if all of a sudden my vision in my left eye gets REALLY cloudy, I am to call their 24 hour number immediately. Pretty much means my eye is at DEFCON 1 and the exact moment this occurs, I have a small window of saving my vision. When the Optometrist was talking to me and Damary about this, I suddenly, and quietly, wondered to myself, “Huh….wonder what my blood pressure is right at this moment?”

I have my follow up with my PCP tomorrow (the pot of gold at the end of my rainbow this week, is Ayanna turns 5 on Saturday. I am so in awe of her….but I’ll cover that in my next blog).

Honestly, and I don’t expect anyone to really understand (like I said, I’m just venting), I am tired. I am tired of being poked & prodded; take this medicine, no, take this medicine. Overall I’m tired of that same look…the “everything we’ve looked at is fine, you are in great health, and we’re not sure why your heart is having its trouble at rest (if I hear abnormal EKG one more frakkin’ time!!)

Here’s the thing: I’ve never been the best at anything. Nothing has ever come easy to me. I don’t have a natural talent, just a stubborn disposition on learning/mastering something. I’ve pushed myself, both physically and mentally, well beyond what I was supposed to/advised to (I am sure many of you have stories where I was down, for one reason or another, but didn’t stay down, like I should’ve). I have the scars/scar tissue to show for it. No, I am not saying I am anything special. It’s just that for everyone I know, there is at least one talent I see from each of you. Something that comes so easy. I am not jealous…I would NEVER wish someone else’s light to be distinguished. I’m coming up on 37 in a couple of weeks, and I can’t find mine.

Is there REALLY a purpose to this blog, I am not sure. I am just tired. I am tired of not having answers; I am tired of looking into Damary’s eyes and trying to hide fear. I am tired of thinking of my mortality as not so distant future. I am tired of being sad that my second question, one of my daughters will ask me in the morning is, “Papi, do you have to go to see the doctor again today?” I am tired of fighting back tears because I can’t shake the vivid memory of the look of fear and sadness in Ayanna’s eyes, a week before last Christmas, when she saw me in the Hospital all hooked up to everything (right after I had my minor heart attack).

I think the fact that around the corner is my birthday, and this birthday marks the 15th anniversary of my Dad’s death; is also fueling my “tiredness” as well.

No, I don’t want anyone’s sympathy. Maybe this might be an early apology letter if I drop the ball on being my normal happy self.

-Until The Wheels Fall Off


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