Psychiatry Follow Up and my Meds

Hello True Believers,

     So I was waiting a week or so write, because so much has gone on and I wanted time to process all of what is happening. So last week, I met with the Medical Doctor at the office where my Psychiatrist is. She wanted to evaluate me for medication that I would need, based on my first appointment with my Psychiatrist. I will say. I left that appointment with the MD literally shaking, because I had to go back and talk about some of my traumatic childhood, and since I suffer from PTSD, that means I was mentally stuck reliving every bit of pain as thought I were going through it right there. It was hard, VERY HARD....and I say that being a 3 time Marathoner...I know difficult, and this was HARD.

    After talking to me, she prescribed Lamictal and Sorequel. The Sorequel is a sleeping aid. It is to help me stay asleep and to stop being woken up, or the insomnia I get when I can't stop that inner voice from shutting down. Which is a HUGE problem for me. Also, with the bipolar, some times when I am in the high of the mania, I am afraid to go to sleep because I am afraid the mania will end and I will be back at the low of depression, so that screws with my sleep too. I will admit, from the first night I took it (a week ago today), I noticed an IMMEDIATE difference in my sleep. I ACTUALLY sleep...I stay asleep, and I wake up without the fear of the day feeling. She did warn me the first few days, I needed to carve out at least 10 hours or so to sleep, but then it will naturally go to the 8 hours of sleep. I can't describe, a week later how much this medicine has changed my life. It is only a small dosage, but it is doing WONDERS.

    The Lamictal is to help "even me out". It is for the bipolar disorder. For the first week, I take one tablet every morning, and then the second week (which started today), I take 2 tablets in the morning, and next week, I will take/max out at 3 tablets per day (each tablet is only 25mg, a low dose). I go back to see her after 3 weeks to monitor how it is doing. I will say, I think it is somewhat working. I have found that during the day, when something bad happens, I am not thrust into depression (i.e., the flat tire on the van that I caused this past weekend, I didn't even get in a bad mood, I just, with the awesome help of my wife, changed it and moved on. That is a big step for me.

   So earlier this week, I had my follow up with my psychiatrist and decided that we will start the EMDR on our next visit in 2 weeks, but this visit we talked more about giving me tools to deal with this present situations, especially involving my mom and her side of the family (my Dad's side are dead). We got DEEP into some of the things my mom and others have abused me, and how my mom and family STILL do verbally. I talked about how when she starts in on me, I am thrust into being that little kid again and feel obligated and helpless to listen and take it. She helped me to understand that all of the stuff that happened to me when I was a child isn't my fault. She put something in perspective that shook my soul. She asked me would I let someone ever walk into my house and treat my children the way my mom treated/still treats me. I immediately said, "HELL NO". Then she said why do I allow her to do that to me. She also pointed out if my mom treated my kids that way, would I ever think it was their fault, and I said, No. Then I realized (or starting to) that it isn't my fault that my mom has never loved me, or wanted me.

   This is all new to me. Trying to understand that the abuse that has happened to me isn't my fault. In case you wonder why I have always thought that it is because I have been told that since I was 4 years old. I have been told that I am a mistake and that I ruined her life. I have been told that the beatings/cigarette burns were my fault because I wasn't a good child. When, after 4 years of keeping it inside, when I told my parents about my babysitter and her sexually molesting me, my Dad was the caring parent and my mom told me that, you guessed it...it was my fault. So even in today and she, or my family is telling me how horrible I am, I still feel like it is my fault, instead of defending myself. I am stuck in the feeling of every single beating, every single failure that was thrust in my face, every single time I was told I am worthless because I am not perfect, and reliving ALL of those at the same time. Yeah, my PTSD is that, I am reliving every single part of it, physically and in my psyche when these moments happen. The horrible part of that is, that I remember good memories like you should remember most things, fleeting and gone...but the trauma, I am thrust into that moment when it first happen and I am reliving it.

    So I am pleased with the start of this journey. I was worried that nothing would work because I am so ridiculously broken and damaged. But it is incredibly encouraging to know that I can be fixed. I know it will be a journey through hell. I know that I will have to rip open some of the psychic band-aids I have in place to learn to let go of those feelings, but I also know that the end of this journey will be freedom. It means I will be able to celebrate good times without fear. I will learn that something bad happens doesn't mean it is necessarily my fault on some scale of cosmic penance, but just that, something bad that has happened.

I'm working on getting better,
Corey